To say I have been reluctant to write about this would be a gross understatement. Kicking and screaming for months to land here is a more fitting description. Apparently, I can only ignore the nudges from spirit, god, the universe, or whatever you call it to write my truths for so long. Part of those truths is how I have denied, judged, and fought off acceptance of what has been happening to me the last several years. Not surprising since most of the world around me also denies, judges, and won’t accept this truth either. Ignorance I suppose, so I hope my words here will help educate those who want to understand, to give voice to thousands of others being silenced and dismissed, and to allow myself to share without shame.
About four years ago, after moving into a new house, I began getting migraines, experienced balance issues, debilitating fatigue and developed cognitive changes among other symptoms I couldn’t account for. After a year or so I realized that I was living in what was toxic mold from water damage to the house. I have since learned that more than 53% of buildings in the United States are water damaged. Having a lifelong mold allergy I made the assumption it was “just” that. Well, you know what they say about assumptions…
I moved, took everything with me, and thought that was ok. I would be fine. I was wrong. My symptoms didn’t improve. I was struggling with memory, word recall, fatigue, worsening asthma, continued severe migraines, etc. After researching and learning more about mold-good mold and toxic mold. I learned that the military actually uses toxic mold as part of their chemical warfare. It’s that bad! And I learned that taking everything with me also meant taking the toxic spores with me too. Finally, I found a doctor who specializes in environmental illness and specifically mycotoxin illness. Extensive bloodwork and related labs revealed I in facthave a mycotoxin illness and the resultant CIRS(Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome). Not the mold allergy at all-yes I have both but that’s just a double whammy for me- most people with CIRS don’t have an allergy, at least before they get sick. So, if you learn only one thing from me learn that this is NOT an allergy.
It turns out that I have the genetic predisposition to this illness that 25% of the population has, which explains why I can live or work in a water-damaged building with toxic mold and get seriously ill and another person does not get sick at all. One of the reasons this illness is often dismissed by medical professionals, friends, and family members is the ignorance of this illness. The truth is I can’t detox the poison the way others can. The hundreds of thousands of minuscule-sized toxic spores released from the mold invade my body and multiply throughout my entire nervous system causing inflammation that impacts everything. My lungs, my brain on fire, my joints, debilitating fatigue, and most recently the constant pain from Trigeminal Neuralgia. Add to that the long Covid still affecting me and it’s just an insult to injury, but that’s another story. It’s not the mold per se, making me sick, but the toxic spores released by active mold. They can be lethal for someone like me.
This illness has taken more from me than I can begin to tell. I have had to leave a well-paying job with great benefits because of the toxic mold from an HVAC system leak and flood. I had to sell my motorcycle, stop hiking, and walking the beaches or do much of anything I once did really. I have had to throw away antique furniture, books, photos, and so many sentimental items from my life that I can’t count. I have moved to three different houses in the last few years and now again, find myself exposed to this insidious toxin.
I share all of this, not for sympathy, I’m well aware of the millions of people suffering worse things-but they aren’t mutually exclusive. My experiences are real and valid not more or less just that they are. I share this story to begin to educate, and too as part of the beginnings of my healing. To step out of the self-judging unhelpful ways I have been treating myself in response to this illness and to continue working on acceptance. There are gifts to this experience too-more than one might imagine and I am blessed to receive them, though I wish I could’ve allowed myself the lessons in more gentle ways, but if you’ve read my previous posts you know I need the universe to send the Mack truck to hit me before I “get it.” Well, I am starting to get it, slowly after several years of suffering. I am grateful to have a couple of people in my life who have taken the time to learn about this illness and support me through some incredibly challenging times. I can’t imagine how I would survive without them.
There can be no healing without what the experts refer to as step 1-avoidance. I must leave the place(s) that are making me sicker. If I don’t it can become fatal. Only by getting out can the treatments help my body begin to detox properly so that some healing can begin. As it is a chronic issue it will be something I will live with and need to be aware of but it is possible to be well again and while I often lose sight of that possibility I cling to that hope.
Knowing all of that I am faced with some difficult decisions. As I write this I can “see” my doctor’s face as she looks down shaking her head saying you have to get out. The same thing she has said every time I tell her I am in a place with this toxic kind of mold and she reminds me it is not a decision or choice I must get out in order to survive, live, and get well. And so I will.
I would love for you to keep following these posts and share in what I pray will be a healing journey…
