Yesterday I shared pictures from my walk into the woods to be with the trees. The post showed my enthusiasm to be out and among the trees. Normally I’d leave it at that and engage with all of the comments from friends following my journey. But this time I thought I would share what I know so many others experience and don’t share but struggle as I do. And to be honest, writing this helps me feel like I’m at least being somewhat productive rather than just sitting here resting while my traveling companion hikes the miles out to the food coop in the nearby town. That’s the struggle in a nutshell really. Invisible illnesses can wreak havoc on body, mind, and soul. Those few walks I was able to take these last few days were the first in a very very long time. My illness prevented me from physically being able to expend that amount of energy. Energy needed for the little work I am able to do now, energy for the moves from house to house, energy to care for and lose both my dogs, energy to be with and care for my mother full time. Now on this journey, I want to be able to use the little energy I have to continue my work, my writing and begin to build strength and heal all that can be healed. But using that energy to walk every day takes a toll and eventually catches up to me and leaves me practically bedridden for a day or two. It’s a rollercoaster of emotion for those of us who experience life this way now. As I walked and climbed the hills and over the rocks I felt proud for a moment that I was doing it, only in the next second telling myself some self-abusing thing or other about it being pathetic. Or fighting with myself to not judge my one mile against my traveling companion’s 7-mile hike the same day. It’s such a deep-rooted judgment I have about this illness, about myself for having it and I know I am not alone in that. There is a shame around these kinds of illnesses, Shame that stems from our childhoods, our families, and 
the wider world of friends, doctors, etc. who dismiss our needs because we “look” fine. Regardless of where it stems from it is here now with us.
Our struggle is in these very places of shame and judgment. And perhaps the release is in those places too. Finding ways we can accept our limitations without judgment, and honor our accomplishments no matter how seemingly small. To allow for whatever our bodies tell us they need. To accept ourselves and our illnesses just as we are. To shine a light on all of this and share our stories without shame. Maybe that’s where healing can begin so that others will see and know and allow and accept as well. It’s not just me or you that need this healing, it’s all of us together. Isn’t that what life and universal love are really about? The back and forth, the sharing, the you and me, not just the me. I think so, and that’s why I am sharing this today.
Now, I am tired and while she is still off on her trek to the store I am going to rest my head on this pillow and look out my window to the Birch tree with the split in it from a lightning strike and remember it’s deep meaning for me personally and know that this is all part of my journey.
